From the Edge of Death to a New Way of Life

Some have kindly mistaken me for possessing great strength.

Or courage.

Even wisdom.

Because I’m drug-free after years of excess.

Because I lost weight.

Because just about everything about me changed dramatically for the better, after what seemed like forever of being stuck and hopeless.

Let’s be clear.

Strength, courage, and wisdom were not what turned my life around.

It was surrender.

It was the total collapse of my mental and physical muscles…

And the fear, which finally led me to doubt and gradually dismantle my conviction in certain limiting and destructive beliefs I’d held onto with all my might for years.

I was emptied out. 100% defeated.

And in that defeat, there was humility.

Humility whispered, “No one did this to me, except for myself.”

My actions. My beliefs. My strength. My ideas.

My brain. My heart. My thinking. My efforts.

There was no one else to blame.

But there’s a difference between blaming myself (which I’d done before) and something new:

Accepting responsibility.

For years, I felt abandoned by people who were supposed to be there for me.

But they had to leave, because I was radioactive.

I would have left too, if I were them. I would have left way before they did.

They must have loved me a lot to put up with me for as long as they did.

I was the last to realize, that I wasn’t the victim.

I was the nuclear blast.

All that remained to be done was surrender everything, or die.

To be 100% defeated, was to be 100% rebuildable.

It was time to, to the best of my ability, come to terms with actual, honest reality.

And replace defensiveness and stubbornness with receptiveness and teachability.

My way tried to murder me.

Was time to get out of my own way, open the sackcloth curtains of my soul, and let some damn light in…

Originally published at https://andrewlhicks.com on September 21, 2020.